What's my story and am I really sticking to it?
I was born at the tail end of the 60's and went home to a house in a small town. When I was a mere 6 weeks old, we moved into the house that my Mom still lives in today.
My parents thought I was some kind of a genius. And they could be right. I have some of the traits that I notice in others that are of above average intelligence. Social awkwardness. Not really understanding the rules of society and socially acceptable behaviors... you know, I'm me and that's all I have, and I often don't know my thoughts, attitudes, and ideas are way out there until I'm knee deep in muck I have created in sharing my heart and soul with every passerby. Not everyone is my intimate friend. On some levels I get that. I mean, I REALLY get it. But on another level.... I give away trust like candy and usually to the people who should be regarded with skepticism. This is one area of my life where I have no filter. Zero. Zilch. For instance, I blog. I blog my pea-picking little heart out. I put it ALL out there for the world to see. Stupid? Quite possibly. Freeing? Most definitely. Because those thoughts are all trapped in my head and let's be honest, my heart, and pull me down and keep me from living until they are expelled. So... genius? Probably not. Socially-awkward, proficient in literary verbiage and so forth, no-filter, soul exposing, over-trusting, totally feeling, empath? yeah. Oh, and mouth of a sailor. I almost forgot one of my favorite qualities about myself. It's not pretty. But I get a foul-mouthed sense of superiority and sarcasm nearly every day. Some days more than others.
Story. Oh yeah. Easily-distracted. Sorry.
Anxiety started rearing it's ugly head at a young age. Fourth grade. My mom was called to school often as I remember it. And I had a special snack time and space for when I got stomachaches and headaches. And forgive me mother, but I kind of chalk that up to living with crazy people, living in a family setting with a crazy dynamic that was extremely dysfunctional and not really conducive to conformity of societal norms. But the latter part of that sentence could quite possibly be the biggie there. I was not a soul made to conform to the societal norm of the school setting and small town setting that I was living in.
I was that kid. The one that everyone treats like they stink, even when they don't. My teacher would hug me looking the other way and reaching out as far as possible in order not to let my skin get too close to her skin. That's real. That really happened.
I know today that addiction comes from growing up in survival mode (fight, flight, freeze). I know that my brain was wired to make me vulnerable to the escape offered in the way of alcohol, drugs, and sexual encounters.
I know today that I can re-wire my brain. But I'm also aware that I'll probably always be awkward. I can wire my brain to be grateful even though I'm still filter-deficient and socially awkward. Seriously. I am so grateful for my life today in all its awkward glory.
I also know today that I cannot make these changes alone. I cannot rewire my brain left in my own stinking thinking. I need a power greater than myself. A spirit. A deity. God. Okay, it's God. I need God today. Or good. I need good energy and good forces to live out in my life today in order to wire my brain from poor-carrie-lets-run-away-atleast-in-my-head-and-escape-this-shit-reality. I need to see the good, inhale the good, focus on it. I need to be willing to consider that my shattered kaleidoscope lens may not be the most effective way of looking at life. I need to be willing to get a new lens.
That's not my whole story. That is not even my entire three-minutes-to-tell-you-who-I-am-to-hook-you-in-and-make-you-want-more story. But I'm done. I guess I've revealed enough today. I feel exhausted and raw.
Namaste.
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