Today the gray and shapeless drab that is this March weather-- even though April has begun-- is beating me down. Today I woke and thought, today is the day that I beat the funk back into submission. But it has not happened yet. You see, I have this allergy drainage in my throat and the fear of COVID in my heart. Please don't comment or message me about how if I have faith I don't need to fear. I don't say this because I don't believe it, but because sometimes believing something in theory doesn't help the issue in real time. How do I live without fear? Without feeling panic stricken? I do know someone my age who didn't make it through this COVID-19 thing. But I also am not in a high risk age group and I don't have an allergy diagnosis, so I should probably be able to slog my way through it. That isn't even what strikes fear in my heart. Even though, lets be honest, I am a big chicken and I hate being sick, I whine and carry on, and don't forget, I also moan and I groan. What strikes actual bone-chilling, reason-killing, panic-inducing fear is my kid who is vulnerable to every freaking respiratory illness that comes down the pike. And she has that cough too. THAT. That is what makes my blood run cold. And I don't want to fear. But I'm also not okay. Which makes it harder to focus on the good, the great, the beautiful. Because those things are still there. In spite of my current sense of being out of control. There is still a lot of good in the world. I find it interesting that I feel compelled to focus on this. I wanted to just pound out a ton of sadness and grief and purge my soul. But my heart and my head are determined to say, "yes, you are going through the shit at this moment, but did you notice...." This is a piece of my Dad. I never really noticed this before... that we each had this quality. But he focused on the things that made him happiest. And it was people. Family. Blood-related family, step-family, heart family, heavenly family, spiritual family. The list was long. So I have to give a pause and think, what are the things that make me happy.
These are the things that make me happy:
- Piddling around on projects: art projects, crafty stuff, drawing and painting.
- Tie-dye
- Writing
- Family
- immediate family
- "step" family (not really, there are no steps to our family, if you're in, you're in)
- "adopted" family (maybe not in the legal sense)
- family of friends
- fellowship friends
- extended family/family of origin
- Pets
- guinea pigs
- puppy dogs (yes, they are forever puppies, just like my children are my babies)
- chicks
- Coffee and dessert
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