Yesterday's post left the reader with an unfinished feeling. Like whoa, where's the rest of this? But I just had to quit. Giant epiphanies are draining. However, other than exhaustion, I felt like there weren't/aren't huge repercussions from yesterday's spilling of the guts. I have deep pain and sadness over parenting fails. Giant gaping holes in my ability to mold and shape my children for good because of my lack of parenting skills and my own pain. This is saddening. But right now, I don't have a heaping helping of self-loathing on top of it. Just the sweet release of letting this failure be exposed and hopefully expunged. I know my kid has forgiven me, and I know it is a process.... some days are better than others for both/each of us. I wish I had felt like I had options back in those moments, but I didn't feel that way. I just felt drained.
Another big "aha" moment for me goes something like this.... I could not fill anyone's bucket, mine included because of the huge deficit. Not only was the bucket empty, but so was the pond I'd been dipping it into. I was unable to give to a job. I was unable to give to my children. I was unable to give to myself. I was defeated and depleted. Losing my job was a blessing. I hate not knowing if and when bills are going to get paid. And we seriously miss having a trash company! That is one of the biggest complaints we have. We have the privilege of allowing others to take care of us in regards to our energy bill each month. It's a cool thing to see. And not always a nail-biter. I'm kind of getting lax about it, really. "Nawwwwww, I'm not worried, God's got this, He has seen to it that the energy bill has gotten paid the last 4 months in a row! He won't drop me now!" Which is cool and I love it. But I feel guilty that I haven't lain down and cried and pleaded and begged and it still got paid. What? That's weird. I know... Guilt is a strange beast. And so is relying on God/others. If I expect it's gonna get paid, then I'm cocky, ungrateful. If I stress and cry and carry on, I'm lacking in faith. And those are just the "rules" that are not spoken but are still most definitely in play. That doesn't even get into all the weird shit that swirls around my brain. But again, I digress...
I needed this time off. I told someone I thought I could successfully go back to work now. And that seemed true for about 5 seconds. But then I realized the mental energy that being "on" in a job and being "on" at home would still be too much. I need to connect with my kid. I don't do surface level connection for any reason. What I mean is, I don't know how. I don't know how to superficially care about those I work with and those I work for and/or my family. I don't have a nine-to-five button or a leave-work-at-work switch. I am possibly ready and able to do a half-ass job that doesn't take too much thought or interaction and also doesn't use too much of my time. Like a 20 hour a week something that wouldn't be draining (or fulfilling, but that's not part of this equation). I am learning to be here for whatever goes on in life right here, right now. And it's a learning process, I have not mastered it by any means. But learning is messy and dirty and draining. So just learning, and cooking and cleaning have me maxed out.
I spend a fair amount of time questioning.... "so God, if I'm not going to be disabled, I'm just going to be out of an income for a year? How is that going to work God? I will just live forever without a car? I'll never get my taxes caught up? I'll never get to help my child get her car back on track? I'll just always be trying to play catch up?!" "So God, are you saying the same thing I've been fighting against all this time? That Im just lazy and not disabled?!" "Um, God, what the....?" "I know you've held me this long, but seriously God, how much longer?!"
And I usually come to the same-ish conclusions. Gratitude. I have much to be grateful for. Educate. People don't know they are shaming you. Unless you teach them. I will be okay, no matter what happens because God has always taken care of me in the past.
So that is the wrap-up from the unfinished blog from yesterday. I still have more to say. Maybe I'll post again last today. There is lots of learning going on here. Exciting.... yes. Fun? sometimes. Scary? all the times.
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