Try. try again. Or is it.... try. fail. try again. repeat. ???
The answer is yes on so many levels.
I thought this today because there's sort of a never-give-up vibe behind it. And the last couple days I wouldn't have told you that I had given up, and yet... the list of things I did not follow through with is long-ish. I didn't water the garden for two days. In Kansas. In July. And it wasn't raining. Thankfully almost all of it came through without getting burned! I didn't do ANY homework. Summertime, yay. Two classes simultaneously.... seriously?! When do I get to, you know, summer? It's kind of the opposite of adulting. I didn't journal my food. Nor did I practice restraint. I did not keep my water intake high. And last but certainly not least, I did not blog. Boo. I was on a streak too. Six days in a row. *sigh*
So the momentum is building to just let the pendulum swing and stay on this crazy avoidance ride. Because once it starts to swing, it is not that easy to stop. In fact, talking myself into.... blogging, garden-tending (at least the basics), healthy eating, drinking water, and adulting (ugh, responsibility~ parenting, providing, cleaning, homework)... is hard. Real hard. Damn hard. blah.
I was hit hard this morning with the realization that much, most, or possibly even all of this behavior could easily be coming from forgetting to take meds on a regular basis. So get started Care! Take those meds! Water that garden! Etcetera.
Yeah, well, I may or I may not. Because depression, somewhat like alcoholism, tells me lies. Alcoholism tells me I'm not really sick and that I can drink AND I can stop drinking any. time. I. want. Depression doesn't tell me that I am not really sick, but it tells me a laundry list of other lies. Like that being proactive about taking meds FAITHFULLY will not actually help. It tells me no one cares, so why bother. It tells me that if I wasn't lazy, slothful, awkward, (I can keep going, but you get the picture), then I would just do those things that "normal" productive people do.
So today I feel like I have failed. Fallen off the wagon. The healthy lifestyle wagon. The responsible adult wagon. The proactive, functional, find your inner peace through gardening wagon.
Today I will start again. Again.
I will drink more water. I will stop beating myself up. I will start doing the homework. I will climb back up on that wagon. Again. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
adulting IS so hard! I just wrote a blog post about Summer Michelle - luckily no adulting there whatsoever.
ReplyDeleteI like how you personified alcoholism and depression. That's a great way to get insight into that stuff, which luckily I haven't dealt with. That being said, I do a fair amount of beating myself up too, for a multitude of reasons. Good news is that the older I get, the less I care what others think so that plays a huge part.
I'm glad you're back on the wagon, don't sweat it! (Except the watering of the flowers, definitely sweat that!) :-)
Just remember that it at least makes it a little easier to adult when taking the meds . . . or at least, for me it's at least NOT as hard, lol!
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