I hate being an over-thinker. I can overthink anything. But especially relationships. I CAN overthink the color of my hair and the meaning of life and why does it only take 30 days for rabbits to reproduce (?)(gestate) (whatever it is called...). But in relationships, when it really counts, I think things like.... Did he really mean that?! or "is one of those things I should take at face value? Or is there are hidden meaning underneath?" "What is the hidden meaning?" The one that gets under my skin lately is "negative attention is better than no attention. Don't engage...." "Wait. What? You mean send a text message immediately that is full of snark and inuendo? I am ON it!" "Was that meant to be mean and snarky? Or just bitter?" "Oh, I see, I think I hurt his feelings." This one gets me because the truth is, when I feed this line to myself, I am usually excusing bad behavior and thinking it is somehow my fault for being a shitty human. Which I can be sometimes. What's really confusing to me is when I'm told that I'm caring and kind and a good person, but the behavior says, "I'm angry and bitter and you suck...." and is that really the behavior or am I just overthinking things again? Because if I don't analyze the ever-loving hell right out of this situation then I'll never get to the bottom of it and understand what is REALLY being said.
Right now at this moment I am so beyond fighting for this. You know, part of me wants to make sure I do everything "right" to make sure that if this fails, it isn't because I didn't want it to succeed. But really, tonight, I don't care whose "fault" it is. I just know there's now so much hurt flowing under that bridge that there may not be a "right thing" anymore. I'm at the jumping off place. When I get to this place with life itself, it gives me a moment's pause. What do you mean... stop the ride I wanna get off?!
I've thought the answers out in my head, and argued over different answers in my heart and thought until my thinker turned blue. But the truth is, I still haven't learned to communicate these thoughts in plain language, in the spoken word. There's the freezing up of the tongue. There's the complete blank out of the brain. There is the voice inside that says, "just because you thought these things were valid 2 minutes ago, does not mean they should be spoken NOW." There is the whole internal conflict and changing what I think I want to say a million times before I attempt to say it.
And let's face it. This is just the shtuff that is about me. What about how it takes two to tango? I think there are games afoot! Head Games. a mind fuck if you will. yeah, I spit it out. I do NOT think it is all me. There's a lot that is me. But just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get you.
The other day I said that nothing is off limits in writing. Well, this kind of was. But tonight I felt a push. a nudge. from the dark side. Saying "just do it already...." and a couple more pushes from the other side that say.... "any attention will do and I'll do anything to get it" and "let's see if I can confuse the hell out of you.... "
So I wonder (and no, I don't want you to answer my dilemma for me)... is this all part of the game? Just throwing it out there in the writing arena? I imagine it is. I imagine that vomiting these crazy thoughts out here is game playing 201, but isn't keeping it in and pretending it's not bugging the hell out of me kind of the same thing? Head games. Not just for amateurs anymore.
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