"Don't sabotage your peace just because chaos is familiar." I ran across this quote somewhere on social media. It was not attributed to anyone, so I cannot give the credit it is due. But it takes me back to a conversation I had recently with a friend. I had been craving a drink. And I have a little time between me and bottle now, so while it's not the end of the world to have a craving, it is something to sit up and take note of. Maybe make a few changes in my daily routine and habits to fill my life with more things that bring me contentment, not restlessness and discontent. What we spoke of was that I was craving chaos. I said I wanted a chaos that I created, that I controlled, instead of the chaos of the unknown. I was craving sex, drugs, and rock and roll. To oversimplify.
Isn't it funny (ironic funny, not so much ha-ha funny) how my desire for control would lead me to an act of loss of control and chaos?
Don't we all desire to control our destiny? If you study the cycle of abuse, the abused sometimes provokes the abuser to end the constant fear of never knowing what is coming next. Provoke it and you'll know what is next. Violence.
Right now I have a home life situation that causes me resentment. And I feel like I can't control it.... the situation or that I feel resentful. But if I instigate conflict, I can feel justified in my anger and less like a heel for holding onto this grudge so tightly. Sometimes I provoke an argument. Then I feel vindicated in my seething rage. Yuck. Not a pretty thing to look at. But it drives home to me that yes, I really do crave that control over my life and the unknown. I want to know what is unknown and I want to control that which I cannot control. Even if it is self-inflicted chaos.
So I'll sit with this. And I'll mull it over. And I'll pray it over. And maybe, just maybe, I gain the courage to release the need to feel in control and trust God to take care of me, once again, as He always does.
The Slice of Life challenge: write every day for each day in the month of March and post your writing on the Two Writing Teachers page in the comments for each day. Click the orange slice to read everyone's slice for today.
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